


Breakdown

by Tub



Series: New Kyla [4]
Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Original Work
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 15:31:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17727902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tub/pseuds/Tub
Summary: Staldar and the team come back to the Spider's Den after a particularly hard mission. Staldar breaks down, but luckily, Yorsashi is here to help him pick up the pieces.





	Breakdown

 

 _“Dad_.”

 

The little word, uttered so quietly, so pitifully, undoes him. The blade of hurt and fear and guilt sitting in his chest twists and wrings out the tears he’d been holding in. He offers Cheeps shaky apologies, offers him what little reassurance he can, but even to his own ears, it’s not right, not enough. He’s not sure he could ever make this debacle up to him. Luckily, completely exhausted, the kenku child falls asleep, and Staldar retreats after tucking him in carefully, shutting the door gently behind himself.

 

He stands for a moment, not quite sure where to go, but he remembers Yorsashi’s words. He stumbles to their shared room, shaking under the weight of his own grief.

 

Yorsashi looks up as he enters, pulled from quiet contemplation, sitting up on his own bed in the soft glow of candlelight, wringing his hands.

 

“Oh, hey, I was just-- ah--,” he starts to tell Staldar something, but cuts himself off, seeing Staldar’s tear-streaked face, quickly standing to guide Staldar to the edge of the other bed. Staldar doesn’t resist, letting Yorsashi arrange himself against the taller dragonborn’s side, accepting his comforting strokes and touches. He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees, hiding his face in his hands, trying not to sob, but failing.

 

“Please, tell me what’s wrong. What happened to you out there?” Yorsashi pleads softly. Staldar drops his hands, letting his head hang, mouth working silently as he tries to find his voice and an answer.

 

“I’ve failed him,” he finally croaks.

 

“How have you failed him?” Yorsashi tries to coax more out of him, listening intently. Staldar shakes his head, not even sure where to begin.

 

“I knew better. I knew that this was no place for a child, that these missions are too dangerous, and I could have stopped it, but I… I told myself I wasn’t his parent, his guardian, that he could decide for himself. I kept letting him come, knowing that he could get hurt, knowing that I should have put my foot down, but I didn’t and--!” Staldar chokes on a sob. In the back of his mind, he berates himself for burdening Yorsashi with this, but a soft touch eases this worry.

 

“Of course he’d want to follow and be near all of you. You remember what it felt like, back then, with the Fangs? Despite everything, it felt like we were a little family. We were like brothers, then.” Yorsashi makes a somewhat bashful face then, correcting himself. “Or, really, more than that. But he must admire you, think of you all as family, to stay with you for so long, through everything.”

 

Staldar winces, tiredly wiping his face, tears soaking the edge of his tunic sleeve.

 

“We fought something today that… altered our minds somehow, I can’t be sure. I think Cheeps was left particularly confused, I think it may have caused him to forget things. So I’m not sure if he… quite knew what he was saying, but he, ah, called me ‘Dad’ only a moment ago. I think, regardless of what happened, he sees me a-as a father figure, of sorts. Maybe quite literally, now.” He finds the thought troubling. _‘He couldn’t have chosen worse if he tried._ ’

 

“And… that’s a bad thing…?” Yorsashi asks sincerely, tilting his head, and Staldar feels a myriad of emotions cross his face.

 

He wants to say ‘yes,’ but it’s all so much more complicated than that. There’s a piece of him, under the fear and self-doubt, that had felt warmth and love and sentimentality from hearing Cheeps use the moniker. The little bird brought out some sleeping paternal instinct in him, and he wanted more than anything than to claim Cheeps as if he _were_ his son, his little boy. He often felt proud of the brave little kenku, even if he wasn’t always the best at showing it.

 

But the circumstances surrounding them are bleak, at best.

 

“Perhaps, If our situations were different… It could have been a wonderful thing, something I could even find joy in.” He sighs. “But today, I-- I went down in the fight, Yorsashi. I nearly didn’t make it. That’s the closest I’ve come in quite some time.” He feels Yorsashi hold him a little tighter. “But I got back up, a-and then _he_ went down, stopped moving. If he had _stayed_ down, I,” he swallows, shaking his head. “I don’t know what I would have done. I don’t think I could ever forgive myself for that.”

 

“Always the protector,” Yorsashi says partly to himself, slowly shaking his head. ”If _you_ had stayed down, I don’t know what I would have done either. But you can’t blame yourself for all the things that happen out there, Staldar. You know there are things beyond everyone’s control, things that are no one’s fault. When we used to fight together, we all watched each other’s back, protecting one another, and if one of us were to fall, we knew it was no one’s fault but they who struck the killing blow. We know there’s a blade out there with our name on it somewhere. Just might take some time for it to find us.”

 

Staldar nods his agreement. These are fundamental truths he knows well. But that doesn’t stop his guilt from growing.

 

“They decided I should be the one to lead. They chose me. And I was… negligent. I know the risks we take with every outing. I know better. I _know_ , Yorsashi. I could have made a decision, taken a stand, but I just didn’t. I didn’t, and now he’s paid for it.”

 

He remembers Cheeps’ mournful little face in the Underdark, asking to come back someday, wishing to stay. Staldar could have tried harder to find a way for him to stay, tried to make arrangements. If not Ilmya or Catherine, then the farmers surely would have been willing to watch over him. And now, Cheeps is devastated, begging to leave, begging for a way out of all of this.

 

He reaches for Yorsashi’s hand, turning to face him. Yorsashi meets his eyes, worried, but offers a supportive squeeze of his hand. Staldar clears his throat, throat still hoarse and constricted from crying.

 

“I’ve asked before, and I won’t try to change your mind. I respect whatever choice you make, but I would be remiss if I didn’t ask once more. So, I implore you, please, _please_ , take Cheeps, and leave the city. Take him and go somewhere safe.” _‘It will hurt, but it will be better than the alternative.’_

 

Yorsashi gives him a rueful smile, shaking his head. Staldar had figured he’d refuse.

 

“You know I can’t do that,” Yorsashi intones softly, but firmly. “In fact, I’ve wanted to propose quite the opposite. When you’re gone, off fighting Gods know what, and I’m here just… doing nothing, praying to Bahamut you come back. I’m coming with you, from now on. I’ll be able to watch your back while you watch all of theirs. Just like back in the day.” Yorsashi looks at him with such certainty that he knows this isn’t something he can talk him out of. He’s surprised to find that, in truth, he doesn’t _want_ to argue, convince him to change his mind.

 

Staldar breathes in deep and lets out a long sigh, able to breathe a little easier. He looks down at their hands, running a calloused thumb over Yorsashi’s knuckles. He’s suddenly overcome by a tender, yearning feeling, so he pulls Yorsashi’s hand up to his face, leaning in to press his nose to his palm, a small, wordless request for contact. His warmth, his scent, it’s all a soothing balm to the lingering distress.

 

Yorsashi shifts, using his other hand to gently pull at Staldar’s waist, prompting him to drop the hand he’d been holding and move to accomodate Yorsashi, who cuddles close. They share a quiet embrace for a moment, Yorsashi pressing his face into the crook of Staldar’s neck, arms wrapped tight around him. Yorsashi pulls back first, looking up at Staldar, faces close together.

 

“I want to be close to you tonight,” he murmurs.

 

Staldar unwillingly tenses, feeling a flush creep up his neck, suddenly very nervous, and failing to hide it.

 

“Close in, ah, w-what way…?”

 

“Staldar, it’s been unbearable to be all the way across the room from you every night. I just-- I miss you, and I’d really like to hold you, if you’ll let me,” Yorsashi deadpans with a hint of humor, a hint of exasperation.

 

Staldar’s relief is palpable, relaxing back into Yorsashi’s touch. Not knowing how to navigate even the most surface level intimacy with any kind of confidence, his heart had seized at even the thought of fumbling, clumsy attempts at something more. He smiles wanly, embarrassed, but bumps noses gently in apology.

 

“Yes, it’s been painful, not knowing where I stand with you, what was allowed of me,” Staldar mumbles in return.

 

Yorsashi settles into the bed, pulling Staldar along with him, arranging them so that he’s curled around Staldar’s back, hugging his middle tightly. He nuzzles gently at the back of Staldar’s neck, warm breaths ghosting over the more sensitive scales there. Staldar is slightly overwhelmed at first, stiff and uncertain, but he melts into the bed after some comfortable silence, feeling himself grow drowsy. It had been a wearisome day, he is clean and fed and warm, the weight of his love against his back, so he doesn’t fight the droop of his eyelids.

 

“Staldar?”

 

“Mm?”

 

“Have you… loved anyone else?”

 

Staldar blinks, surprised by the question.

 

“You mean… romantically?”

 

“Right. Have you been in love with anyone, since--?” He lets the question hang, not really pushing for an answer, but leaving it open.

 

Staldar’s first instinct is to say ‘no’ right away, but he hesitates. Truth be told, he still hasn’t untangled or made sense of all the myriad of emotions he feels towards Tosa. Part of him is afraid to humor the thought, afraid to acknowledge that what he had felt was startlingly similar to his feelings towards Yorsashi, with a few key differences. And, presuming he does eventually come to a conclusion-- there would be no precedent to act on it. Tosa is kind, but that’s not grounds for reciprocation. Not to mention other discrepancies. Fruitless wishful thinking and a dashed, abandoned crush would be the only reasonable outcome. He could be content with friendship. He had to be.

 

“No, no, I-- I’ve never loved anyone like that. Not like you.” He finds Yorsashi’s hands and threads his fingers with the smaller dragonborn’s. He suddenly thinks of the few who tried their hands at seduction, failing miserably. “I did receive a few… propositions. I found them all to be, ah, unfavorable. They could never compare to you.” Yorsashi gives his hands a squeeze. “What about you…?”

 

“I had someone I thought I loved, after Prith. She was nice, but it was short-lived.” This surprises Staldar a bit, and he realizes, with some discomfort, that Yorsashi could reasonably have been in a relationship when he had gone traipsing up to his doorstep, fresh from the baths and haberdashery, token of affection in hand. _‘That would have been… very unfortunate.’_ He shakes the thought.

 

“Oh? You don’t have to talk about them if you don’t wish, but I admit I’m curious.”

 

“Well, she was really sweet! She was actually a baker. We grew rather close, but it didn’t work out.” Before he can stop himself, Staldar snorts in amusement. Yorsashi huffs indignantly. “What? What’s funny about that?”

 

“Sorry, it’s only… you didn’t hit it off with a _baker_?”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“You’re just so fond of baked goods, I would have thought it a match made in the heavens,” Staldar laughs into the pillow under his head. Yorsashi scoffs dramatically.

 

“Oh, yes, how strange of me not to fall madly in love just because she knew how to bake the perfect turnover! Why would I care about her personality or interests or values outside of baking? She knew how to make a delightful eclair, what more could I want!”

 

They both dissolve into giggles, Yorsashi muffled against the back of Staldar’s tunic, Staldar’s voice slightly raspy and breaking from the day. They finally regain their composure after a moment, slightly breathless. Yorsashi brings his hands up higher on Staldar’s chest, resting over his still fast-beating heart from the bout of laughter. Staldar realizes he can, very faintly, feel Yorsashi’s own heartbeat against his back.

 

“Our relationship, it was… it was very empty. _I_ felt very empty. Not like when I’m with you.” Yorsashi’s voice goes soft, almost tremulous. Staldar’s chest aches for a beat, and he turns carefully in Yorsashi’s arms to face him, tired of being unable to see his face. Even in the half-light, Yorsashi’s eyes are striking, looking at him with such unprecedented adoration, he can hardly bear it. _‘I don’t deserve him. I don’t deserve any of them.’_

 

 _“Si itov wux_ ,” he whispers.

 

Yorsashi snuggles in close again, pressing as close as he can, legs tangled under the sheets, arms wrapped around one another.

 

“I love you, too,” he whispers back.

 

They fall asleep like this, and it's the best rest Staldar has had in quite a long time.


End file.
